timing is now

People tend to base the possibilities of a relationship on their feelings. I mean, when you find someone you connect with and they’re good looking, of course you’re going to have a bunch of feelings running through your body. Then you feel the butterflies and the excitement, but that’s all it is. Sometimes people believe they’re in love just because they feel like they are, but is love truly just a “feeling”? Compatibility can be overlooked simply because they felt as though they could accept it, but when it doesn’t happen then those same feelings start to disappear. Then what are you left with? Rude awakenings, the unraveling of ones true character, and all the little fights in between. As Genevieve said, “Just because two people like each other doesnt mean they have to be together, keep a good friendship solid”. So give me more than just feelings. Make me want you.

so turned 20. went clubbing for the first time. drank more than I ever have (but good thing didnt chunder). had a bubble bath. alright.

guess I’m just a little =/ because I feel like I was expecting too much. was it my problem that I didnt make any plans? maybe I was relying on someone else too much. how come last time I was bothered? well I guess that’s good it was a nicer day and it was a more convenient day and everything kind of went according to plan and I didnt have to really rely too much on anyone else. this time I did kind of make things work to plan I suppose ..except for the last part… then what happened ? think we were both thinking different things though =/ yeh alright.

2011
10/02
CATEGORY
day to day
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checklist for being 19

I’ll put the rest up later perhaps.. but this is interesting

Begin a relationship with a person who feels more ‘real’ than your high school sweetheart, whose words sound heavier and more trustworthy, whose touch feels more intentional. Keep your feet on the ground. In an attempt at full disclosure, ensure that he sees you at your absolute worst. Be honest. Approach love consciously, in real time. Do not drift. Do not write poetry. Use words like ‘solid’ instead of ‘dreamy.’ Consider the concept of semi-permanence. Linger, savor, know now that there is no rush. Use your past as a parachute, then discard with metaphors and, for the first time, love someone in concrete terms. Feel like you could maybe spend your life with this person. Mail your parents a 20th anniversary card and realize that you have no idea what that means, no concept of how much ‘spending a life’ costs. Love on a day-to-day basis instead. Build slowly. Learn that this is more than enough.

oh dear.. I said being 19 was going to be awesome right? last year of being a teen!! and I do love that I have this kind of ‘real’ relationship that is completely different, something I’ve never experienced before. I love it and I’m really happy that love has come to me (cliche but whatever) . so I really should avoid all this bad pessimistic thinking etc and stop being so cynical and yeah.e… omg like 2 nights ago? be optimistic and stay happy! I shouldnt hold things against people when I dont care too much. maybe it’s because I feel like I care too much so it’s affecting me.. but if it’s a little =/ meh then it wouldnt bother me too much right? ANYWAY I’m glad I’ve gone on this rollercoaster and well I’m not dreading turning 20 too badly (I’m a late bloomer apparently) but I’m hoping it’ll make mum less crazy paranoid about me.. though I know she means well.. and she sometimes yells at me over the phone when she’s called like 5 billion times… but then later when she comes to pick me up from a friend’s house or something we get along again… maybe I can just find that way to talk to her… but anyway =) almost 20

2011
09/18
CATEGORY
rambles
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so I was VERY emotional like 3 days ago ? and then I actually couldnt help but break down in tears 2 nights ago I think … and my mum actually walked by and noticed! and what sucks is.. I was over crying by then lol but whenever people ask me what’s wrong I just start tearing up again (EVEN IF I’M OKAY!) .. which contradicts my being okay state BUT yeah… emotional rollercoasters. this is what happens when you become reliant on someone. they fill you up. and then can do anything… absolutely anything to make you feel bad =/ without intending to I’m sure! I hope … it’s so frustrating sometimes ==; … I mean some of the things I say.. and I swear to myself I’m just going to wait until he talks to me first… and I usually do.. or sometimes I try to end things light-heartedly but it usually doesnt work … because I dont know what he’s thinking. BUT YEAH so I usually wait it out… but then WHENEVER he gets in touch again AND I MEAN ALL THE TIME .. I just cant stay annoyed.. and I soften up almost immediately each time. I guess because deep down I know it’s my own fault for getting so emotional over nothing.

“be optimistic. be happy” says he. I always think it but it doesnt register! … I’m still trying =)

2011
09/16
CATEGORY
life's problems
rambles
random
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it’s a big bad dream


following your heart
sometimes the one you need
is the one that tears you apart

so you say goodbye
and kiss her one more time
and cry the whole way home

2011
09/13
CATEGORY
rambles
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yeh bro!

yeah I am mad! you text me the stupidest thing. oh so they lost all your files. but out of the 2 sentences you sent me, the second one said at least the it guy has backup files. YEAH COOL STORY BRO! I sent you something that was a bit more but similar.. YET I DONT GET ANYTHING. I think people can see what’s happening. I like how you say we havent had a fight yet. that basketball thing was nothing. but was it really nothing? what you made up for it with sweet potato in the morning . sure I liked it. but why were you so defensive that night then =/ so what you say counts then? urgh are you even going to ask me? … I’m sick of waiting. yeah I feel at ease and excited when things do come up and then you ask me. but lately I’m asking myself why do I have to wait? and why am I doing so much? I used to try so hard so we were balanced… but now its imbalanced again. but I thought screw that. I dont need it to be balanced. I just want to do these things for you. and then last night I told you I would make time for you. no matter how busy I got. I wanted to be there for you when things get rough. like last sem after your midsem break. you werent used to uni after being away for so long. and my texts helped you get through the day. but what did you say last night? nothing. I used to enjoy getting the last word in because that usually meant in the morning I would get my reply. but now? nothing. you dont have any idea how this makes me feel do you?

2011
09/13
CATEGORY
life's problems
rambles
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